QUIZ: Which Conference Call Stereotype Are You?
STORY: Diane Lam
24 February 2020
If your company has rolled out a business contingency plan in the past month, then you’ve likely experienced the horrors of a corporate video conference. They always start the same way: 15 minutes spent waiting for people to hop on the call, followed by an hour of meandering discussions, punctuated occasionally by the sound of a dog barking or of a toilet flushing. Inevitably, connections drop, awkward silences ensue, and you come to the soul-crushing realization that no matter how remotely you work, you can never avoid being told to “synergise” and “push the envelope”.
So if you’re the middle of a boring conference call right now, put on your best “concentration face” and take this quiz:
1. You’ve got a crush! How do you get their attention?
a. With a hand-picked bouquet and a love note
b. By approaching them and introducing myself
c. By negging them until they fall in love with me, kdrama-style
d. By posting Instagram stories that are subtly, but specifically, targeted at them
e. By offering to help them "Marie Kondo" their desk
2. What are you ACTUALLY doing while “working from home”?
a. Working, of course
b. Facetiming with my coworkers because I miss them
c. Meeting my other half for cute weekday brunch dates
e. Scheduling yet another conference on Outlook because no one else knows how to do it
3. Working? Yeah right. What are you watching on Netflix right now?
a. Who needs Netflix when you have Channel 8?
b. Aziz Ansari’s newest stand-up special
c. Dazed and Confused
d. True crime documentaries
e. Home makeover shows
4. I would get fired for….
a. Accidentally hitting “reply all” on a sensitive email
b. Talking over my department head during a meeting
c. Flirting with interns
d. My constant lateness
e. Accidentally breaching PDPA
5. What is your biggest fear?
a. Robot apocalypse
b. Being forced to work with mansplainers
c. Sleeping in and missing my flight
d. Accidentally liking my crush’s Instagram post from 3 years ago
e. Losing all my calendar data
6. You’ve been sitting indoors way too much these days, so it’s time to work out. What kind of exercise do you choose?
a. Doing tai chi in the park with my Ah Ma
b. Weightlifting, followed by gym selfies
c. Doing housework with one arm, while carrying a baby in the other
d. Does scrolling through #fitspo posts on Instagram count as exercising?
e. Please, I’ve been very diligent about attending my weekly pilates class
7. My coworkers love me because….
a. I always bring snacks during meetings
b. I make them laugh
c. I have a secret whiskey drawer
d. I’m not judgmental
e. I’m really good at Excel
If you chose mostly (A), you are: The Technology-Impaired One
You need 10 minutes of very specific instructions to find the mute button, enable screen share, or turn off feedback sounds. You’ve even been hit with "showing your age" jokes despite only being a very sprightly 45. Suffice to say, the IT guy pretty much hates you now.
If you chose mostly (B), you are: The Monologuer
You have a tendency to either interrupt people or to go on and on and on. On the one hand, people hate you because they can never get a word in, on the other hand, your long digressions give them an opportunity to take a micro-nap or use the toilet.
If you chose mostly (C), you are: The Fun/Blur One
You call in to video conferences while wearing a singlet. Sometimes you’re half an hour late (“sorry, connection problems!”) and you’re usually the one eating on-screen while others are talking. SHRUG.
If you chose mostly (D), you are: The Lurker
You don’t understand why people still invite you to these things – you don’t ever speak unless you are spoken to.
If you chose mostly (E), you are: The Moderator
You’re the one who sends out the meeting invite, who presents the meeting agenda, who gets discussions back on-track, and who sets the call to exactly 45 minutes so that it ends before lunch. Everyone loves you!