Post-CB Paranoia: So Real, It's Not Funny (OK, Maybe It's A Bit Funny)
STORY: Pearlyn Tham
02 June 2020
Yay, after almost 60 days, we can finally send our pets for grooming (because Chewbacca is a cute name but not a cute look for a poodle), dye our hair (because #workfromhome and #HBL are/can cause very grey areas), put our kids back where they belong (school, of course!), and buy TCM liang teh (to soothe those post-shouting-at-everyone-messing-up-the-home throats).
These are, of course, some of the good things you can get from Phase One of our post-Circuit Breaker. And if things go swee-swee as planned, Phase Two could see us doing real-life things once again – you know, like eating at a café and not pretending that our $49 Ikea dining table is a hipster café setting. We could even do this with four other persons – and we don’t mean four other persons whose mugshots hang on Zoom.
But wait, TBH, some of us have probably got really used to and even comfy with the #CBlife – we mean you, fellow hypochondriacs, introverts, fortunate individuals who have grown fat on their parents’ daily homecooked menus and people who like wearing pyjamas all day long.
So, you may just identify with one of these post-CB phobias then. Don’t say we never warn you, okay.
Hypocoronadria: Fear of getting Covid-19
Before Covid-19, you would pop a Vitamin C and an echinacea pill each time your inconsiderate colleague coughed into your cubicle. Doesn’t matter even if she blamed it on the mala noodles she had for lunch. To you, every cough is Dorscon Red.
And now, your hypochondria just got an upgrade. How are you ever going to step into the MRT station, use a public toilet or touch any door handle again, without thinking about that mass-forwarded video on how germs linger on bread slices that have come into contact with just about anything and everything?
Dailycommutebia: Scared of taking the train or bus all over again
You’ve forgotten how to run for the bus or tap your EZ-link card liao.
And also how to put on your contact lenses, sunblock, makeup, hair wax and your Ermenegildo Zegna belt.
While working from home, your higher-ups can text and email you 1,528 times in an hour and you can scowl, curse and whine 1,528 times from the seclusion and safety of your bedroom. But when you go back to working proper, you are going to have to deal with their annoying faces and voices in person all over again.
With enforced social distancing and home visit bans, it was relaxing not having to explain at family dinners why you still aren’t married. Well, at least now you have a darn good reason: “How to go on dates during CB time and, eww, I don’t want to meet your neighbour’s nephew leh because very hard to do contact tracing later.”
How come your reusable fabric mask has a nicer pattern than mine? Yes, people, it will soon come to that and then schools will be including handbook regulations for the types of masks that you can wear, alongside regulations on hairstyles, hair length, skirt length and number of earrings per pax.
While we all hunkered down at home, the only FOMO we remotely (in more ways than one) felt was when we saw IG posts of our friends’ lunch. Summary: their loving BFs sent them wagyu steak sandwiches, we bought our own $3 char siew rice from “downstairs”. After all, they can have 200 more friends to hang out with than you do but they still had to stay home like you did. But when we get out there again, we fear that we will have real-life FOMO again. Like, how come our friends’ BFs took them to eat wagyu steak sandwiches and we bought our own $3 char siew rice from “downstairs”.