Not Gonna Happen - The New Year's Resolutions That You Won’t Be Keeping

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Not Gonna Happen - The New Year's Resolutions That You Won’t Be Keeping

STORY: Pearlyn Tham
31 December 2021
Photo: Unsplash/@herrond

Next year, I promise to… and I won’t… oh, just forget it. Instead, these are the kind of New Year’s resolutions that you and I think about a lot but will never keep, whether it’s 1999 or 2022.

You will not blue-tick your parents

“Oh, I didn’t really read your message about asking me to buy four bags of rice from Cold Storage on my way home.”

Catch up with friends whom you don’t really want to catch up with

There’s a reason why you always blue-tick their endless group chats on WhatsApp but have never responded in the last seven years, you know.

Pray that dining restrictions will kick in again

So that you don’t have to catch up with friends whom you don’t really want to catch up with.

Finally upload one video on TikTok

Just so you have something to discuss with your teenage nephew at the next family dinner.

You will not log into Instagram every five seconds to see how many of your 28 friends viewed your Stories

What? Only two did? What are people doing at 10am on a weekday – working?

Drink less BBT, coconut shake or whatever drink is trending next

When you think about how one cup of bubble milk tea pumps in at least 300 calories – that’s as many calories as one McDonald’s cheeseburger – or how it can cost more than your chye png lunch, it may make things easier for you.

You will finally start your home baking business

If your fam and friends have always salivated over your homemade kueh, sourdough bread or vegan cupcakes, maybe it’s time to make things official by selling your merch. Here’s some food for thought and #inspo: Baker X at Orchard Central is a rent-free concept that hosts home bakers on a rotational basis and lets them experience how it is to run a business IRL.

Leave your toxic job

If you become one of those home baker success stories – the ones who get to announce that “all January slots are taken up!” on FB – this is a possibility. Yay, no more being gaslighted by your senior manager who doesn’t even know how to activate the video button on Zoom.

You will not secretly binge-watch Netflix on your iPad while you are supposedly in a video meeting on your MacBook

Or maybe you are that senior manager who pretends not to know how to activate the video button on Zoom.

Update your job résumé

But if things don’t (baking) pan out well, maybe it’s time to refresh your résumé on which the last entry is “intern and worked for free”.

Use your SkillsFuture credits  

Admit it: you claimed your SingapoRediscovers vouchers much faster than you even bothered to Google what SkillsFuture is all about. Here’s the thing most Singaporeans like to hear: both are free/highly subsidised, okay. You can use your SkillsFuture credit to take up courses in anything from 3D printing to cyber security. And after you do, your job résumé will be even more swee swee!

Still think that you will be the next TOTO millionaire

According to some reports out there done by people who scored better in PSLE Math than we did, the probability of anyone winning the first prize in a TOTO draw is one in 14 million. Happy New Year!

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TAGS: New Year's resolutions
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