2020 Checklist: Dun Bluff, Did You Do These 20 Things Not?
STORY: Pearlyn Tham
25 December 2020
We're talking about becoming an expert and telling what "1 metre" is, hoarding toilet paper and instant noodles, and wearing your mask wrongly - and more! | Photos and illustrations: (clockwise from left) Facebookfirstname.lastname@example.org, Unsplash/Erik Mclean (toilet paper) and Matt & Chris Pua (instant noodles), and Facebook/@sarawakgags
The most bizarre year you’ve ever known – besides that Incredible Tales year when your teacher actually gave you an A for your General Paper – is coming to an end soon. And what better way to pay homage to it (or curse it) than with a checklist.
1. You wore your disposable mask the wrong way – below your nostrils and inside out.
2. When you finally wore it right, you secretly pulled down your mask at work… to dig your nose.
3. You held your breath every time you saw a jogger sprint towards you, huffing and puffing out microscopic saliva droplets – without a mask.
4. You tsk-ed anyone who sneezed, coughed or choked on their laksa.
5. You actually really thought about using the savings from your “This Year Cannot Travel” fund to buy the more-than-$1,000 Louis Vuitton Face Shield. But no point cos still must wear a mask under the shield.
6. You did not bother to shave/apply lipstick/shave and apply lipstick.
7. You queued for hours for BBT on April 21 before BBT shops, along with other non-essential F&B services, had to close for circuit breaker.
8. You started a Whatsapp chat group titled “I FOUND KLEENEX TOILET PAPER AT THE CHANGI AIRPORT BRANCH OF NTUC. GO. NOW.”
9. You hoarded toilet paper.
10. Then you realised you had more toilet paper than, er, backsides at home.
11. You hoarded instant noodles.
12. Then you realised that there is only that much genetically-modified kimchi flavour (and MSG) you can tahan.
13. To prove to your bosses/minions that you were in touch with the latest corporate parlance, you used the word “pivot” more than once – sometimes correctly, sometimes in an anyhow way to make yourself sound more important and cheem, like “The chicken rice stall was closed today so I quickly pivoted to yong tau foo noodles”.
14. You supported local home-based side businesses during CB and now know where to order the best epok epok, ang ku kueh and basque burnt cheesecakes. Yes, you already knew what SingapoRediscovers meant before it was even a voucher.
15. You have your own personal Zoom meeting room and hope to sell it one day because there are four lucky 8s in the room number.
16. You finally know what one metre means in real life because the social distancing ambassador showed you in the wet market queue.
17. You spent $285 on wear-at-home Airism singlets from Uniqlo. Because your mother said cannot whole day switch on aircon.
18. You actually started to enjoy nuahing working from home in your Airism singlets. Because your mother cooks you the most comforting and delicious lunches every day so you don’t have to pay for $10.99 nasi padang in CBD food courts.
19. You felt shiok that you had a government-sanctioned excuse not to go for dinners with 53 kaypoh relatives from your extended fam.
20. You were delighted that this year, you don’t have to play Stupid Secret Santa in the office.
If you ticked only one box, you were born after 2020.
If you ticked at least 10 boxes, you are the type who knows when to pivot and when you can’t be bothered to pivot.
If you ticked all 20 boxes, please contact the system administrator for a “You Did It (All) in 2020!” badge of honour.