If Zodiac Signs Were Local Drinks, What Would Yours Be?
STORY: Pearlyn Tham
01 August 2021
You are what you eat - and, sometimes, what you drink.
If trying to decipher this concept makes you thirsty (in the old-fashioned, 2005 kind of way hor), here’s our astrologically quenching menu.
Aries (21 Mar to 19 Apr)
You order: Grass jelly with extra ice
Because: Aries people are usually type As, which means you are capable and competitive but also impatient and quick-tempered when you live or work with the Type Zzzs. A cooling chin chow will calm you down.
Taurus (20 Apr to 20 May)
You order: Kopi Gu You
Because: You are conservative but you also love your sensual pleasures. And in the world of kopi tiam drinks, nothing looks or tastes more sensual than a chunk of salty, melting butter dunked in hot, fragrant coffee.
Gemini (21 May to 20 Jun)
You order: Sirap Limau
Because: There are two sides to you – you can be sociable and fun-loving one minute, and serious and thoughtful the next. The kopi tiam drink equivalent of you? Definitely this sweet yet tangy Ribena/rose syrup-and-lime-juice hybrid.
Cancer (21 Jun to 22 Jul)
You order: Whatever you don’t need to go outside for lor
Because: You are such a homebody that you are happy to drink home-cooked plain water all day long. Just as long as you don’t have to go out into the big bad world and like, you know, put on a bra and also a mask.
Leo (23 Jul to 22 Aug)
You order: Milo Godzilla
Because: You are naturally hao lian about everything in life – you book GrabCar Premium and never just GrabCar Plus or GrabTaxi – and you care about what your boss, your three-year-old niece and the Gongcha barista think of you. Regular people drink Milo Dinosaur or, worse, plain Milo, but you, good-looker, you go for Milo Godzilla with a dollop of ice cream on top of everything else that’s already in the cup.
Virgo (23 Aug to 22 Sep)
You order: Bandung
Because: You love all things pwetty and Instagram was made for you. What better drink for you than the very pwetty pink bandung then?
Libra (23 Sep to 22 Oct)
You order: Teh Peng
Because: You live for peace and harmony, and hate conflict so none of that tongue-tripping “Aunty, one teh si gao kosong peng” for you. You also look confident but are very insecure inside so the easier your drink order is, the less overwhelming it is.
Scorpio (23 Oct to 21 Nov)
You order: Gao Kway Nrng
Because: That’s “black dog egg” for you or Guinness Stout with an egg (raw, at that!). And why do people drink it? To enhance energy in certain parts of the body. Perfect for the Scorpio who’s highly passionate and also the most sexual star sign. Talk about being thirsty.
Sagittarius (22 Nov to 21 Dec)
You order: Michael Jackson
Because: You are easily bored so you won’t settle for the usual kopi bing or sugarcane juice. Instead, order a Michael Jackson (so named as a reference to the pop icon’s hit “Black Or White”) – that’s soya milk with grass jelly cubes. Can drink, can also chew. Shiok.
Capricorn (22 Dec to 19 Jan)
You order: Diao yu (or hot Chinese tea)
Because: Every Asian parent must be a Capricorn since this star sign is all about rules and hierarchy. And nothing is more old-school – and heartburn-soothing – than a cup of steaming hot water with a Chinese tea bag in it.
Aquarius (20 Jan to 18 Feb)
You order: Black Spider or White Spider
Because: Your friends know you as the deep thinker (hence they have a separate group chat on BTS, Chicken McCrispy and how to avoid farting during a foot massage that excludes you). You are intelligent and analytical, scored 299 points for your PSLE, and need to be constantly mentally stimulated. So, we won’t tell you what goes into a Black Spider or White Spider because you either know the answer liao or will find it in a library. Or on Google.
Pisces (19 Feb to 20 Mar)
You order: Singapore Sling
Because: You are so overly trusting that you believe that the Singapore Sling is a truly Singaporean drink. Even if 99.123456789 per cent of us locals have never had one before. Fun fact: the iconic cocktail (created in 1915 by Raffles Hotel Singapore’s bartender Ngiam Tong Boon) has a day named after it. Yes, this year, the hotel declared 27 June Singapore Sling Day.